[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
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It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.