Vodka burrito was a success
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
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I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Video games don’t cause violence, they PREVENT it. Whenever I see a turtle now, I chuck it off the nearest cliff where it can’t hurt anyone.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
I “pet zone” girls. It’s like the friend zone, but, I only hang out if your dog will be there.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Customer: the cat you sold me mauled my other cat.
Me: you mean the african large?
Customer: i think it’s a lion.
Me: *points to aquarium* wanna exchange it?
Customer: isn’t that a crocodile?
Me: snapping canoe lizard
Customer: i’ll take it