[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
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If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?