@SteveSuckington

[bleeding out]

ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?

ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality

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@MaryJustice86

My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.

@thatdutchperson

Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?

Me: *winks*

-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.

@weismanjake

One of the toughest parts of adulthood is figuring out how to stay friends with people who post too many selfies

@wickedimproper

Interview:

“Can you hold scissors?”

“yes”

“Welcome to SuperCuts”

@SucculentPizza

Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube

@junejuly12

Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.

@TheOnion

Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub

@dvidsilva

It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale