What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!
What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
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Meanwhile India is just blown away that you can get Britain to leave by voting
Confidence should never be confused with arrogance.
Arrogance is spelled way differently.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Shout out to the ampersand for always being willing to stand in the gap & help make our tweets complete by giving back those extra two lette
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.