@NotthatAdamWest

“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”

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@sarcasticmommy4

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!

What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

@BobbyBigWheel

Meanwhile India is just blown away that you can get Britain to leave by voting

@Slims_Ramblings

Confidence should never be confused with arrogance.

Arrogance is spelled way differently.

@GrantTanaka

astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them

@ArfMeasures

[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it

@sass_n_ass

Shout out to the ampersand for always being willing to stand in the gap & help make our tweets complete by giving back those extra two lette

@sarcasticmommy4

My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”

Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”

@CulturedRuffian

If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…

@WheelTod

A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.