When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Blessed are the agoraphobic, for they shall inherit the earth
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Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
hello 911? yes do you think i’m pretty
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.