@portmanteauface

Blessed are the agoraphobic, for they shall inherit the earth

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@Sara_Rose_G

When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.

@HatfieldAnne

Donโ€™t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.

@dafloydsta

WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break

@3sunzzz

Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.

@kayleighpuget

“Am I the only one who-?”

There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.

@AimeeHelene1

Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.

It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.

@ShortSleeveSuit

“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder

Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!

@rickkondell

If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.