Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
You Might Also Like
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
c’mon!
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
I falcon love using swear birds