blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
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them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.