Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
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Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.