@Chumpstring

[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.

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@thejessbess

I’m no scientist, but I don’t think it’s possible for EVERYBODY to be kung fu fighting.

@mostlysharks

doctor: you need a knee replacement

me: great i would like slinkies

@KellsPlayer

ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!

ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.

@One_FineMess

A cig takes 7 minutes off your life

A piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life

According to my calculations I should have died in 1812

@Darlainky

A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”

@ipalatsky

As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.

@Juicedballs

Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas

@NYC_Blonde

I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.

@bourgeoisalien

me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak