Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
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‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”