Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
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“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I’m giving up ice.
Wait a minute
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.