HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
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Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Ambien: Where is your unicorn?
Me: I don’t have a unicorn.
A: You better get naked and go into that Arby’s and look for it anyway.
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
*walking in forest*
*tree falls and makes a loud noise*
*tree gets up*
*tree pull a knife on me*
“You didn’t hear SHIT”
*tree runs off*
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
brought a knife onto a flight just so the security agents would tackle me because sometimes it’s just nice to be held.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.