@MarlonBrandNO

Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES

Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date

Blind Date: WHAT

Me: Kind of like a big raisin

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@SICKOFWOLVES

HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD

@KimmyMonte

Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder

@Smethanie

I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.

@jergarl

Ambien: Where is your unicorn?

Me: I don’t have a unicorn.

A: You better get naked and go into that Arby’s and look for it anyway.

M: Ok.

@Spaziotwat

[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine

@DillDoes

*walking in forest*
*tree falls and makes a loud noise*
WOAH
*tree gets up*
*tree pull a knife on me*
“You didn’t hear SHIT”
*tree runs off*

@aparnapkin

Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way

@EndhooS

Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?

@aguywithnolife

brought a knife onto a flight just so the security agents would tackle me because sometimes it’s just nice to be held.

@Darlainky

My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.