Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
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You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”