Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
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Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
best first i’ve ever seen
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.