@weinerdog4life

Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind

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@EricMarten

It must have been really strange for Jesus to be the only white guy in the entire Middle East.

@jazmasta

I’m not crying. I’m just watering my moustache.

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: I like to set goals for myself. Last year I tackled the Rockies

Date: Impressive – so what’s your plan for 2021?

Me: Probably the Rambos

@JeffMyspace

Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.

@FredTaming

doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible

me: what’s the good news

doc: you won’t need it for long

@1CleverGirl1

If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.

@InternetHippo

I live in constant fear that someone will reply “yikes” to my tweet, thereby ambiguously indicating I’ve said something improper

@Cravin4

I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”

@EmberToAsh

I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”