[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
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“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
#growingpains
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Catering service
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking