*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
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My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
My Sentiments Exactly
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.