[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
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Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Brother?
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?