[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
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I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
dude it’s called proctologist
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.