Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
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Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on