wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
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“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Canada has crack?
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Don’t you hate when somebody gives you the finger in traffic and then you have to follow them home and loosen the lug nuts on their wheels.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.