I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
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I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.