[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
You Might Also Like
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Seductively sings in Klingon.