[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
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I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black