[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
You Might Also Like
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers