@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I love the fall

ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming

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@OrigamiUndies

Walk up to the finest girl in the club and whisper, “excuse me, can I get at that outlet behind you hon?”

@MrMichaelRose

my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place

@blondecalamity

*waits for a sign*

*dead bird falls from sky*

*waits for another, better sign*

@GlumGeorgeLucas

I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.

Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”

@randypaint

gal gadot: i will fix this virus panic

everyone: how

gal gadot: do u like john lennon

everyone: no

gal gadot: imagine if u did tho

@coolauntV

The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: ha nice try

I: excuse me?

M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.

@david8hughes

[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation

@mommywhitfield

As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”

@MrFornicator

A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.