@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets

ME: Oh wow, me too!

HER: Really?

ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?

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@MooseAllain

A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.

@SharkJelly

Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey

@sammyrhodes

Let me get this straight Hulu Plus. I pay you $ to watch shows & then you fill those shows with commercials. This sounds familiar.

@LeahGoRound

Every time I get out of a small car it looks like a giraffe being born.

@Ryanfc706

I hate when I smile at a stranger and they don’t smile back… I’m using my face muscles for you, you little shit.

@markydoodoo

me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all

therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood

me: one sec

@nice_mustard

“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…

@neiltyson

Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.