[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
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interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
So we got a goldfish…
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
I didn’t realize that was an option
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]