My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
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My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.