@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’m a ghost writer

ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?

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@PaperWash

Mario Kart:

1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife

@ShittyComedian

I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.

@SortaBad

2008: I want a career where I change the world

2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of

2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues

@david8hughes

As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”

@Rohit_And_Run

I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.

@Girliegurll

My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.

@Home_Halfway

“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool

@dafloydsta

[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes

@pissrifle

GREETINGS MORTAL, YOU MAY ASK ME ONE QUE- “what’s the deal with airline food?” GODDAMNIT JERRY HOW DO YOU KEEP FINDING THIS CRYSTAL