[blind date]

HER: I’m a ghost writer

ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?

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Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?

Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.


911: what’s your emergency sir

me: I can’t find my butler

911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir

me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back


My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.


My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less

“Where is the bathroom”

and a bit more

“She was dead when we got here”.


Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.


[At the funfair]

*Fire alarm sounds*

Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.


“I hate karaoke.”

“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”

“Now, I hate you too.”


Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.


*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*

*skinny dips to be on the safe side*


You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.