
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.