[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
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Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
constantly working on myself.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Worth a try
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*