[blind date]

HER: I’m a light eater

ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb

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My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.


Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.


Things were different in the 80s one time I was kidnapped for a week and no one looked for me. I came home & my room was converted to a gym.


[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”

*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*



I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.


Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.


Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security


[at the gym]

Body builder: how much can you curl?

Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon


Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??

That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes


[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.