[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
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“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.