YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
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me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Love is always patient and kind.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.