@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’m a recovering coke addict

ME {trying to impress her}: Is Pepsi okay?

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@StephenBCramer

My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.

@WilliamAder

Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.

@KentWGraham

Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?

@jwoodham

It’s almost Christmas, which means it’s almost time to hear my parents’ new excuses for why Jennifer Lawrence isn’t under the tree again.

@TheNYAMProject

When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.

@HomeProbably

My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.

I sold their house.

@MooseAllain

“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”

@ImMelanieGibson

If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.

@Caissie

A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.