[blind date]

HER: I’m a recovering coke addict

ME {trying to impress her}: Is Pepsi okay?

You Might Also Like


My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.


Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.


Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?


It’s almost Christmas, which means it’s almost time to hear my parents’ new excuses for why Jennifer Lawrence isn’t under the tree again.


When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.


My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.

I sold their house.


“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”


If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.


A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.