[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
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“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
“HELP WITH CAT”
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
You can’t rush stupid.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.