@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato

ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it

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@huntigula

fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably

@david8hughes

I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.

@better_off_dad

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

@dafloydsta

ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?

*slides over pic of him with another dog*

JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.

@Nicholey23

You and I are just different. And by different I mean you’re stupid.

@jdforshort

If flying by the seat of your pants was so easy, do you think I would still be dealing with morning traffic to get to work?

@thetigersez

Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder

@duumb

commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today

me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression

@WilliamAder

My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”

@Midgetspar

Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.

THEY’RE EVOLVING.