My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
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me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
They also CAN sing✌️
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
three things we don’t talk about
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg