supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
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FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey