[blind date]

Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?

Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.

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Ppl freakin cuz its sharks in the ocean. News flash: that’s where they live! If u see them at Chipotle, then we have a problem


her: well don’t just stand there, say something

me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross

her: i said i’m pregnant matt

me: his hair could be the brush part


me: [playing musical chairs]

wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?


“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”



I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.


*goes on job interview*

-You come very highly recommended.
-Why thank you, I always try to be as stoned as possible before I come to work.


“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see