[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
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I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Trying
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Siri, fight Alexa.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.