As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
You Might Also Like
My boss told me to dress for the job I want, not the job I have. Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting in a Batman costume.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
I don’t like snakes, but “Diarrhea on a Plane” would be a lot scarier.
[my husband has the man flu. After 3 days]:
M: will you please just take medicine??
H: *pouts* fine, what flavor is it??
M: what flav…it’s ADULT FLAVORED!
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.