[giving tinder girl the tour of my apartment] i caught a Pokémon right here last night
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
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me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Do you need a glass of water?
You sure? You seem a little salty…
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
If you don’t smile at yourself in the mirror at least twice a day, do you even brush your teeth?
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
I’d probably have more friends if I didn’t answer every call with “Why did you save my number?”