@thatdutchperson

[blind date]

Her: so what do you do for fu..

Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE

You Might Also Like

@Melecevida

As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.

@ColoChiver

My boss told me to dress for the job I want, not the job I have. Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting in a Batman costume.

@extranapkins

The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night

@duumb

Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.

Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!

@SeanINCypress

I don’t like snakes, but “Diarrhea on a Plane” would be a lot scarier.

@jaxwax04

[my husband has the man flu. After 3 days]:

M: will you please just take medicine??

H: *pouts* fine, what flavor is it??

M: what flav…it’s ADULT FLAVORED!

@behindyourback

a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her

@1Happytwit

They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.

@TheTweetOfGod

The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.