@thatdutchperson

[blind date]

Her: so what do you do for fu..

Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE

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@sparticus_af

[giving tinder girl the tour of my apartment] i caught a Pokémon right here last night

@CAshmanActor

me: im depressed

therapist: try a good walk

me: will that work

therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*

@_NinJar

I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib

@newLettuce

[1800s]

Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise

Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought

@smhluckyme

If you don’t smile at yourself in the mirror at least twice a day, do you even brush your teeth?

@deegeemindi

My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned

@iamrandomape

SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery

[me 3 months later]

I think he had a brewery

@jujuhounds

Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?

@Sean_Burgundy_

I’d probably have more friends if I didn’t answer every call with “Why did you save my number?”