[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
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Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?