[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
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Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!