[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
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I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
My safe word is Worcestershire