[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
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Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.