[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
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Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Has there ever been a more American story?
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.