@dakarrier

[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit

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@louisvirtel

Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.

@mrtruthandsoul

Birds do it.
Bees do it.
Even educated fleas do it.
Let’s do it.
Let’s crash headfirst into this guy going 80 mph’s windshield.

@JasonLastname

1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos

@mommajessiec

Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?

3yo: *sneezes*

@Sickayduh

Her: *flipping pages* Ya know, everything doesn’t have to be about you
Me: but that’s my autobiography

@david8hughes

[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free

@ceejoyner

Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.

@someofmybest

“I hate fake girls.” *a nearby girl’s coat busts open and four dogs tumble out*