Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
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Birds do it.
Bees do it.
Even educated fleas do it.
Let’s do it.
Let’s crash headfirst into this guy going 80 mph’s windshield.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Her: *flipping pages* Ya know, everything doesn’t have to be about you
Me: but that’s my autobiography
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
“I hate fake girls.” *a nearby girl’s coat busts open and four dogs tumble out*