@SteveSuckington

[blind date]

“I’m like, really good at *looks on hand* making the sex”

-did you just read that off your hand?

“Hey! You’re not blind!”

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@TheNYAMProject

Me: Ugh…where am I?

Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.

M: WHO’S THERE??

*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*

DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.

M: HEEEELP

D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN

@ThePocketJustin

Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.

@OrangeFact

[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy

@ItsLaTourette

It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me

@Feel_Dont_Speak

A friend will invite you for beers
A good friend will pick up the tab
A best friend will hold your hair

All three will have blackmail pics

@juneohara65

My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.

@RegularFred

[Rorschach test]
Patient: Leprechauns in cheetah print unitards kickflipping over flaming tree stumps
Dr: I think we can skip the others

@Darlainky

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

@dumbbeezie

Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again

@stevevsninjas

Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.