[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
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My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
is nasa ok
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
You can’t rush stupid.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!