@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers

HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet

JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers

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@seanforhire

you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.

@SirEviscerate

*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?

@carlyken

So far my toddler’s most impressive defense mechanism is pooping his pants every time anyone rings our doorbell.

@tigersgoroooar

Me: I love you
Him: you just drank 1/4 of your beer through your nostril
Me: that is also true

@theevilwriter

You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.

@stockejock

When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.

@LukeErd

You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”

@awescar

I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.

@SondraDeeMe

WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*