[blind date]

JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers

HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet

JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers

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you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.


Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?


So far my toddler’s most impressive defense mechanism is pooping his pants every time anyone rings our doorbell.


Me: I love you
Him: you just drank 1/4 of your beer through your nostril
Me: that is also true


You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.


When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.


You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”


I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.


WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*