[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
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when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*