[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
You Might Also Like
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
You look like you would fail a DNA test
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.