[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
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son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Trying
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.