[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
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Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.