[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
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Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.