@UnFitz

[blind date]

Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit

Her: *looks*

Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*

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@heyevergreen

My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars

@stephenjmolloy

[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”

@TheTobbie

Remember when you were at a friend’s house & their folks fought & you didn’t know where to look? It’s how I get when Glee does a rap song…

@Fish4EDM

9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip

@Bearslietoo

A fun thing to do is to tell a complete stranger that you met your boyfriend on Twitter and then show them a cat.

@princess_snide

Day two of homeschooling.

I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.

@TrickleVaryTea

Found my bra in the garden. Wish it was from wild sex but I think my cat dragged it out the cat flap.

@Jmboyd58

*while scrolling Facebook

I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!

*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”