[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
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* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳