[Blind Date]

Octopus: [confused] Your profile said you were 40 ounces..

Catfish: C’mon baby, we’re already here, let’s just have a drink..

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I love how people say they’re “expecting” a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.


We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain


Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.


The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco


The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands


The moral of Little Red Riding Hood is:
1) Never trust strangers;
2) Learn to differentiate facial features between a wild dog & a human.


At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.


How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?


Only people who’ve walked into a sliding glass door can laugh when a bird crashes into a window. Everyone else who does it is a racist.