Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
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Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Incredible customer service.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy