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Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread